I probably need to spell this out, finally. Or again. I can’t remember if I’ve ever addressed it directly or in great depth, but people have been getting the wrong idea about me on this score for years.
I don’t want a fairy tale and I don’t want Prince Charming.
I want to find my best friend in the whole fucking world and grow old with him.
People watch too much Hollywood. They buy into too many stereotypes about women. They see me be physically demonstrative in a new relationship and suddenly it’s all
“you’re moving too fast”
“love isn’t a fairy tale, it takes work”
“he isn’t perfect, you know”
You know what? Fuck off.
I had people doing the “you’re moving too fast” who had literally married their Won Twoo Wuv within a year of first meeting them. Including climbing into the sack with them almost right away because the chemistry was so strong. But let me do something like that and suddenly the fucking sky’s falling.
I have never, and I mean ever, characterized any man I got involved with as “perfect.” Just because I notice good things about someone doesn’t mean I think they have no flaws. Where I have run into trouble is where people think I should be turned off by, say, random personality quirks but if the guy fucks around on me and lies to me, I’m not supposed to be upset about that at all. Got that a bit backwards, innit? Turn it around the other way and try again. Assholes.
As for the “it takes work.” Learning to get along with one another may take work, yes. Love itself takes no work. It might help if people would stop dismissing what the polyamorists call “new relationship energy,” you know, where you get all excited and passionate and everything’s FUCKING AWESOME for like the first year? And understand that that is the pair-bonding phase, that it’s necessary in order to induce the couple to keep going in their relationship, and that being grossed out by someone else’s schmoopy-poo endearments toward their Won Twoo Wuv harms absolutely fucking no one. Like, sorry your love life’s shit right now, but don’t take it out on me? Okay? Okay.
One side or the other may decide to turn their attention away from the couplehood, maybe for good. Okay, so the relationship failed. Move on. Sometimes that’s hard. Sometimes it’s not. Doesn’t mean love has to be difficult. I think we create our own failures here.
Mind you, that doesn’t mean I can’t find fault with the way I’ve done things. In fact, there have been times I’ve been the liar-and-fuck-arounder. Not recently, and I can look back now and understand that I was like that because I had zero confidence and was fucking spineless. That isn’t such a problem now. I might end it from like fifty miles away because face it, some of y’all dudes out there are dangerous when a woman tells you No, but I can definitely end it. I also think that the people I observed who got into relationships quickly aren’t necessarily in good relationships, they’re just bought into sunk-cost fallacy and/or don’t think they can stand on their own. So there’s wiggle room here. I should probably seriously consider doing things differently if I ever do them, or do a him, again.
I will not apologize for being twitterpated, or for being physically demonstrative, or for being a cuddler, or for liking sex. That’s a fucking non-starter.
Assuming, of course, that I ever feel comfortable being naked around a guy again. Jury’s way the fuck out on that one. But if I did.
Also. All this assuming that I even get into a relationship. Because whatever I want, I recognize that I don’t need it, and I will be perfectly fine without it. It is a life accessory, not a life-support system.
I’ve just been shit at accessorizing, up ’til now.
But we’ll see. Meanwhile, I have boundaries. I am enforcing them. Any dude seeking to navigate them will find out what they are if he bumps into them. I find that announcing this shit ahead of time only gives dudes more space to find loopholes. We’re not doing that anymore.
No more take-backsies, either. If you’re done, you’re done. I don’t honestly anticipate this being a problem, but I’ve had a few attempted repeats and they never go anywhere. Let’s not.
And that’s basically it. Not as complicated as you’d think.