Letter to my daughter

Today, my daughter told me she doesn’t want to hear from me again until I’m in therapy.

That was it. No word on how I’m supposed to tell her if she is going to just keep blocking and ignoring me.

I thought about things. Then I wrote this.


You gave me your boundary. Here’s mine, and a few other thoughts. Might want to read.

Althea Diane Seilhan,

First off, thank you for finally telling me you had a boundary. I have a few thoughts about it, and then one of my own to describe to you.

1. How am I supposed to tell you I’m in therapy when you are either blocking or ignoring every message I send to you?

2. What am I supposed to go into therapy for? The things I’m most upset about right now, you and your dad caused. You could literally stop doing those things right now and I’d be at least half sorted. Why do I have to go pay someone $200 a week to do what you and your dad could do for free? (I might have mental health coverage on my ACA plan, but I need to go look. There will still be a copay. Again, why am I paying for what you two could do for free?)

3. How much therapy does it have to be? First visit? Fifth? Tenth? Boundaries in a complicated situation should be very precise. Otherwise I get labeled a violator when I didn’t know I was doing it.

4. Does the therapy have to actually be working yet? These things take time to kick in, if they’re any good in the first place. I would tell you about my misadventures trying to find a therapist during my pregnancy and your babyhood, but I doubt you’d read it all.

Questions, questions. Will you answer? I doubt it. That’s been part of the problem the whole time:

1. Make up a bullshit situation and standard that you know I won’t buy into

2. Get really upset when I don’t go along with it

3. When I get upset, paint me as a monster

4. Therefore justifying cutting me off

This must be genetic because your dad does this to me too.

So here’s my boundary.

I will not be contacting you again nor accepting contact from you until:

1. You accept that you are both a female person and a woman. It is OK if you come to this realization after you’ve done something irreversible to yourself. Women run into medical trouble, women get scars. You won’t be any less a woman and I certainly will not love you any less. But as long as you keep insisting you are not a woman and that I am a bigot for saying you are a woman, we can’t have a relationship.

I want to make it very clear that this is not about me “hating trans.” That would be like saying I hate ghosts. I don’t believe in ghosts and I don’t believe in transness. It is simply not a thing. People doing what they want to do with their appearance is not a special biological status that must be protected from evil straight people at all costs. It just isn’t, and we’re done debating about it. If you ever want to really understand where I am coming from with this, if you can respect my boundaries I am laying out here, just ask.

If you want to call yourself a non-binary woman, that is completely cool with me. If you want to keep calling yourself trans, that is fine too. It’s like calling yourself Baptist, it doesn’t affect me. But until you accept your womanhood and stop monstering me for calling you what you are, there is no way we can have a healthy relationship. I am DONE with people monstering me and gaslighting me over something THIS SIMPLE. That EVERYONE knows is false in the first place.

2. You tell everyone that you told I was a bigot that you were wrong about me being a bigot. That includes your friends, your therapists, and your family. Including the cousin who very likely influenced you into this.

Special bonus points if THEY all contact me to apologize for believing you the first time around, but I don’t strictly need this, it would just be very nice. I’m tired of being accused of things I didn’t do.

3. Your FATHER admits to me IN PERSON, IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE, that he lied to me all those times and that he cheated on me and that he abandoned me when I was pregnant and that he lied about not being in a relationship with Crys. IN PERSON, IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE, and then apologizes SINCERELY. IN PERSON, IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE. By which I mean Crys Black.

If you can make all three of those things happen, we’ll have a relationship again. Until you do, enjoy the silence, because that’s what you’re getting from now on.

I love you. No “but”. I just love you. I wanted you when I met your fucking father. I only considered the abortion, WHICH HE HAD NO FUCKING RIGHT TO TELL YOU ABOUT, because I thought he’d abandon me, because he was treating me like a dirty little secret and running off after another woman and letting his wife and her friends trash me. And I’M the one who decided against it. Not him. He didn’t even try, in fact he fronted me money for it. And then I would have died having you if we hadn’t invented c-sections. And then I spent almost two decades of my life being there for you the way I couldn’t be there for your brother. Do you get it yet? Are you following along? Is it all starting to make sense now?

I still WILL NOT TOLERATE being treated like this. I have EVERY RIGHT to reject it. Not reject you. Not ever you. Reject your behavior. I didn’t deserve this, and if I’m very, very lucky, maybe one day you’ll see it.

I won’t hold my breath, though. You got a double dose of stubborn jackass from both of us. I’m so sorry.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I’m willing to waive item #3 in my boundary list if you manage the other two. But I’d rather not. It’s time he stopped running away from what he is, and started actually fixing it instead of bullshitting his therapist. You’ll see. You’ll get to about age 25 and then your brain will be mature and you’ll suddenly go, “Why is my dad acting like such a clown?” And then you’ll understand. I hope we can talk about it someday. Maybe we’ll laugh. It’d be nice.


The only reason I post this shit publicly is because she’ll be talking to others about what I said and characterizing it a certain way, and I’m posting my words here in case curious stragglers come over and want my side of it. Which is not terribly likely to happen. No one outside of a core of a few friends ever wants to know my side. I am not sure WTF I did to all these people to deserve this sort of treatment, and we’re not even talking people who’ve interacted directly with me ever, but that’s my karma, I guess. I’m stuck. So here you go. I have a right to give my side of a dispute. So that’s what I’m doing.

Fuckers.

Oh, and I told her I’m homeless. Not a word about that. I’m the one who needs therapy, though.